The past few weeks, I have felt as if life here has been closing in on me. And in the midst of these feelings, *poof* I have the opportunity to go home. I am so excited, it is a thought that passes between my ears once about every three minutes, even while sleeping. Last night, was an introduction to going home.
After making the rounds in town R and I headed to Patong, for what was only my second night thrust into that gong show after the sun goes down. The thing is, during the day, Patong is a rather painless experience, in what would appear, to the untrained eye, to be a tacky seaside tourist town, that could be uprooted and be put somewhere in Maine, tragically named “Oceanview” or something equally lame. However, after the sun goes to get the moon, and the families are safely tucked away in their resorts in their safe little bubbles, the creatures crawl out from the woodwork. Simply walking down the street is enough visual, mental, and quite frankly, sexual stimulation to make one require a nap.
“You want beaaaah? I have Hein-a-kin. It is good for you.”
“You want suit? I make nice suit for you. Special price for you.”
Lights, squid on a stick, tuk-tuk smoke in your nose, heaps of different languages, sex tourists, ladyboys, bargirls, young thai boys riding on motorbikes looking at the farang, tourists, locals, those who don’t even know where they are. People are drunk, people are hung-over. People who haven’t been sober for years. People who thought Patong would be a nice place for a holiday. McDonalds, Starbucks, KFC, DVDs, chichi bags, loud music, and a plethora of people with vacant looks, saying “huh?” All on a beach that only a few decades ago was ‘nuthin but jungle.’ Oh what a little moonlight can do!
We walked along the madness and went to an Irish Pub, which reminded me so much of home. Hearing the same songs I danced to in a dazed state all throughout university, people speaking ENGLISH. ALL OF THEM! White faces. Big faces, small faces, drunk faces and jet-lagged faces. All of them wanting to escape from something. All of them singing along to U2, throwing back the singha.Beautiful. Perfect evening.
I know it will be hard to go home, but I know it is going to be good for me. The honeymoon is over, and life here is hard. I still like it, but I no longer see all things with the amazement and wonder I initially had, and I think going home will bring some of that back to me. Good timing.
The night was going well until I finally returned about seven missed phone calls I had been ignoring throughout the night. When I called him back, we were on the beach in Karon, around 230am with some cold beer and a full moon. We had brought a few people we had met in Patong and people were swimming, talking, relaxing and watching the stars. During what was perhaps one of the most surreal evenings yet on the island, I was interrupted by five words being whispered in my ear, as if rehearsed and planned out.
“I want to kill you.”
Indeed. Nothing says romance like a simple little death threat followed by a creepy giggle. I hung up. After cooling off in the ocean, bathing in the moonlight, I heard my phone ringing once again, and shockingly, it was him. After a long discussion coming to an end with harmful words, he told me he was going to move home, near Bangkok. When he called me today I heard the soft rumble of what could only be a bus. Indeed, the boy was on his way home.
There are volumes between the beginning and the ending of the night, but putting them in to words seems to make them all a little too real. He is gone, for now, and that is all I need.
I think staying here too long can really break a person. It can challenge your beliefs, take away your morals, stretch the boundaries of what you expect for yourself, and completely extinguish any faith in other human beings. I see it all around me. People become institutionalized, and they can’t leave. They no longer know how to function in a western society. They expect others to lie. They don’t expect things to get done when they are said to be done. They don’t know how to talk with sincerity.
I had a really good day today. Relaxing…a leisurely breakfast in the afternoon, a facial that put me into a trance. Banana smoothie, nipple-hardening chills at the cinema, chats about the future with my neighbors, a phone call filled with giggles and ‘kit toong’s. I am feeling more and more at home here. I am remembering the things that make me happy. Going home is going to amplify this, and I feel as though things can only go up from here. I am excited about what the next six month have in store for me.
(written on Sunday, September 26, 2004.)
