mass email #?: "news?"
greetings once again
greetings from a break in the rain on one of the hottest days here yet. my computer in our office is telling me that it is 38 degrees celcius in here, but it has to be more. damn.
things in phuket are...well...as of right now, they just are. there has been a lot going on in terms of school and changes in my life here, and i think i have been learning so much so quickly that i haven't had time to take a step back to sort things out. i knew it was going to be different here, and i knew i was going to grow, but i dont think i was quite ready for everything to happen.
there's a little part of the story i have been leaving out because it didn't really come up, but lately it has been the biggest part of my life here, and thinking about my future. so, here it is
in my travels here, i ran into a thai man through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend or something equally fated, and, to cut to the chase....i fell in love. i never expected this to happen here, and i never ever thought i would even be open to the idea in this situation, where i was in a situation where i knew i was only going to be here for a limited amount of time, etc etc. but when it happens it happens and it hits you like a tonne of bricks, and you dont know what to do with yourself. to clear up any confusion, this is the "thai friend" i have been writing about a lot, i went to his house in bang sapan, etc etc. his name is tommy, he's 27...and a sweetheart. i tried to fight it, to not want to see him, but then i began to think....why? these things happen, and you can't do anything about it. life doesn't have to be in one spot, and i know for a fact that it isn't going to be for me. i know i have itchy feet, and i know it is not possible for me to have 2.5 kids and live in the town i grew up in. to tell you the truth, there are too many towns which that could be. and so, knowing this is me, and i am happy with this, i began to think, okay, there is a possibility, and this opened the door for much more serious feelings.
but let me tell you. having a relationship like this is perhaps the hardest thing i have ever done. while he speaks english alright, and my thai is getting pretty good...there are still some fundamental things on which we do not meet each other even a quarter of the way. in thai there are no tenses. so asking a question can really be a pain in the ass. "have you eaten?" "do you want to eat?" "do you like to eat?" "what do you eat?" and many other questions turn out to be almost the same thing in thai, and so there were many conversations that should have been simple and many petty arguments that could have been avoided if our mother tongues were the same. but we got along.
however, while language is something that can be overcome, perhaps the cultural difference is a little too harsh, a little too extreme to expect to be able to meet in the middle. i would have to be willing to give up my entire life of traditions and history and whatever "culture" it is that canadians have, and accept his. meaning, no touching the head, dont point your feet at things, spilling water is what you do for dead people, and the heirarchy of the wai / bow system can never be messed with. and the thing is, i can accept these things, and i can understand them. i am a very rational person. but what i cannot accept is being expected to know everything, and having it held against me when i dont know. in every situation i was expected to act as a thai person, and all i could say, and damn it, i said it often was "mai chai con thai" (I'M NOT THAI!)
where is this all going? well. this past few weeks, things have been getting quite serious, and there was the possibility of me staying in thailand, well...forever. it has been sorted out now, and in fact, tommy and i are no longer together. i think it is for the better. it has been hard, as, well...i love him...with all my heart. but at the same time, i can't be part of something that doesn't feel right for me. i'm too young to be committed like that, and i am too strong to give up those things i want in life. and so, i walk the road alone, as it is getting more and more lonely here. i am back on track now, i know what it is i want...and it's simple: happiness. is this too much to ask for? that is not to say i dont have happiness, it is just to say i want to keep having to same amount of happiness that i currently have, and i dont want to be limited in my life at the tender age of 21. i know i still have growing to do, and i know i still have things to learn. it's too soon to settle down.
it's still hard, and it still hurts a whole lot, but i know it's for the best. we want different things, and i can't settle.
so that's that. it has been something i have wanted to get off my chest for a while, in terms of telling people. i know that a mass email is not the proper way to express it, but it is the only possible way right now.
as for everything else, well...life is going well. brandi, the other teacher from canada is heading back to canada at the end of the month. she hasn't been working this month, only going to different islands and relaxing. we have a new teacher, from england, named matthew. and so, i am the only north american in the pack, and every day they seem to slip into tongue and i have to ask for translation. but it's good fun. it's hard work. damn hard work. i definately couldn't do this for a long time.
i am still trying to sort out my holiday in october. i have the month off, and i was going to go back to the states, but my family is moving and busy, etc etc...and it's a long way to go for a short time...so i am thinking of going to italy to see lydia, and whoever else i can meet in that general area (magali, alexei, barbara, elli, or anyone else who feels like making the trek). it's still up in the air but will be sorted out soon.
thats about it for now, i'm at school and i have to go "be white" for the assembly. three times a week we have to stand outside at times when the staff knows that parents will be near and show our skin. fantastic.
keep up the emails, i could do with a few letters from old friends
i think of all of you often
lots and lots of love
heather
greetings from a break in the rain on one of the hottest days here yet. my computer in our office is telling me that it is 38 degrees celcius in here, but it has to be more. damn.
things in phuket are...well...as of right now, they just are. there has been a lot going on in terms of school and changes in my life here, and i think i have been learning so much so quickly that i haven't had time to take a step back to sort things out. i knew it was going to be different here, and i knew i was going to grow, but i dont think i was quite ready for everything to happen.
there's a little part of the story i have been leaving out because it didn't really come up, but lately it has been the biggest part of my life here, and thinking about my future. so, here it is
in my travels here, i ran into a thai man through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend or something equally fated, and, to cut to the chase....i fell in love. i never expected this to happen here, and i never ever thought i would even be open to the idea in this situation, where i was in a situation where i knew i was only going to be here for a limited amount of time, etc etc. but when it happens it happens and it hits you like a tonne of bricks, and you dont know what to do with yourself. to clear up any confusion, this is the "thai friend" i have been writing about a lot, i went to his house in bang sapan, etc etc. his name is tommy, he's 27...and a sweetheart. i tried to fight it, to not want to see him, but then i began to think....why? these things happen, and you can't do anything about it. life doesn't have to be in one spot, and i know for a fact that it isn't going to be for me. i know i have itchy feet, and i know it is not possible for me to have 2.5 kids and live in the town i grew up in. to tell you the truth, there are too many towns which that could be. and so, knowing this is me, and i am happy with this, i began to think, okay, there is a possibility, and this opened the door for much more serious feelings.
but let me tell you. having a relationship like this is perhaps the hardest thing i have ever done. while he speaks english alright, and my thai is getting pretty good...there are still some fundamental things on which we do not meet each other even a quarter of the way. in thai there are no tenses. so asking a question can really be a pain in the ass. "have you eaten?" "do you want to eat?" "do you like to eat?" "what do you eat?" and many other questions turn out to be almost the same thing in thai, and so there were many conversations that should have been simple and many petty arguments that could have been avoided if our mother tongues were the same. but we got along.
however, while language is something that can be overcome, perhaps the cultural difference is a little too harsh, a little too extreme to expect to be able to meet in the middle. i would have to be willing to give up my entire life of traditions and history and whatever "culture" it is that canadians have, and accept his. meaning, no touching the head, dont point your feet at things, spilling water is what you do for dead people, and the heirarchy of the wai / bow system can never be messed with. and the thing is, i can accept these things, and i can understand them. i am a very rational person. but what i cannot accept is being expected to know everything, and having it held against me when i dont know. in every situation i was expected to act as a thai person, and all i could say, and damn it, i said it often was "mai chai con thai" (I'M NOT THAI!)
where is this all going? well. this past few weeks, things have been getting quite serious, and there was the possibility of me staying in thailand, well...forever. it has been sorted out now, and in fact, tommy and i are no longer together. i think it is for the better. it has been hard, as, well...i love him...with all my heart. but at the same time, i can't be part of something that doesn't feel right for me. i'm too young to be committed like that, and i am too strong to give up those things i want in life. and so, i walk the road alone, as it is getting more and more lonely here. i am back on track now, i know what it is i want...and it's simple: happiness. is this too much to ask for? that is not to say i dont have happiness, it is just to say i want to keep having to same amount of happiness that i currently have, and i dont want to be limited in my life at the tender age of 21. i know i still have growing to do, and i know i still have things to learn. it's too soon to settle down.
it's still hard, and it still hurts a whole lot, but i know it's for the best. we want different things, and i can't settle.
so that's that. it has been something i have wanted to get off my chest for a while, in terms of telling people. i know that a mass email is not the proper way to express it, but it is the only possible way right now.
as for everything else, well...life is going well. brandi, the other teacher from canada is heading back to canada at the end of the month. she hasn't been working this month, only going to different islands and relaxing. we have a new teacher, from england, named matthew. and so, i am the only north american in the pack, and every day they seem to slip into tongue and i have to ask for translation. but it's good fun. it's hard work. damn hard work. i definately couldn't do this for a long time.
i am still trying to sort out my holiday in october. i have the month off, and i was going to go back to the states, but my family is moving and busy, etc etc...and it's a long way to go for a short time...so i am thinking of going to italy to see lydia, and whoever else i can meet in that general area (magali, alexei, barbara, elli, or anyone else who feels like making the trek). it's still up in the air but will be sorted out soon.
thats about it for now, i'm at school and i have to go "be white" for the assembly. three times a week we have to stand outside at times when the staff knows that parents will be near and show our skin. fantastic.
keep up the emails, i could do with a few letters from old friends
i think of all of you often
lots and lots of love
heather
posted by isobella at 12:10 PM
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